Escapism.
Wanting to be in a completely different scenario.
Hung over, but happy.
Looking forward to tasty food and simple pleasures, naps.
I am being a mirror of grass-is-greener-ism.
When I can eat what I want and just doze off, I feel like I need to do something else, to create a grander picture.
When I try to create a grander picture, I easily lose motivation, and give in to the easiest game to play.
When I am unencumbered by a headache, I want to have a challenge, to have something I say I'm facing down, but to claim such is hogwash and discounting of those who actually have real challenges.
When I have a tiny challenge like "oh hey there's a pile of dishes that still need washing", I delay and make it take all day.
I could cure myself of this, I think. Stop believing everything out there is something I need to pay attention to, because it could be better. But I also still believe in believing in the magic of things outside ourselves. And once you make that leap to realizing there are unknown unknowns outside of ourselves that are worth calling magic, how do you manage the gold fever that may ensue? To realize that seeking it out so consistently doesn't lead to being ready to appreciate it better? To realize that acquiring all the things that "might be magic" and finding all the hiding spots where magic is known to occur doesn't mean that more magic will occur?
In a dungeon-crawling game, the items found get better more or less proportionally to the difficulty of the dungeon level. In seeking out magic of the human world? It's a lot more complex. Sometimes human magic just seems to materialize out of nowhere, but it's so raw and beautiful you want to capture what you can, and repeat what you can. Truly, there is no capturing, though. One has to be a complete neophyte to literally think that. What you have instead, the best case, is a dance or musical piece, where all the participants feel like it's magic, intuit the rhythm, and don't feel like stopping -- or when a pause is needed, it still fits the meter, or works in an out-of-meter way and they can still come in again later.
I don't think I'm very good at some parts of that, I'll try to watch the whole piece, analyze it, and by the time I think I understand something, it's over and done with. I'll try too hard to capture what is essential, or on the other hand, leave it far too open. I'll come in one moment with a storm of words and thoughts brewing, thinking "AHA! This is the way to bring good things to the world, and then to me!", and in another moment "How dare I think I know anything? Best get back into that hiding hole, lest you do some harm."
This isn't very conducive to participating in human-magic.
This blog post is indicative of my approach also, in a meta sort of way, feeling the lack of the ability to participate fully in human-magic, so I analyze it and write a blog post manifesto about it instead of going to try to participate.
Here's my swissness chard.
Thanks for coming to my ted stalk.
